Parenting Gone Wild

With consistently sunny skies and 60+ degree weather, the streets of Manhattan have recently been flooded with adorable canines wagging their tails, eagerly sniffing random crotches, loyally escorted by their owners...

Or should I say parents.

Yes, you heard correctly. Thanks to a new marketing campaign by PetSmart, people who choose to excessively pamper their four-legged friends are now being referred to as "parents" rather than "owners."

If I said I wasn't judging, I'd be lying.

Call me a traditionalist, but I think 'parenting' is a title that should be reserved for someone who has endured the excruciating pain (so I've heard) of childbirth followed by the life-long anxiety associated with being responsible for another HUMAN life.

Before you start throwing stones and accusing me of being heartless, let me be very clear.

I LOVE dogs! I mean, who doesn't?! Look at these faces! (then come back to my blog and finish reading this post!)

I am NOT saying that pets are any less valuable as a member of your family, nor am I saying that they aren't wholly deserving of your care and affection. What I AM saying is that a line must be drawn between loving your furry friend the appropriate amount, and becoming a creepy cat lady.

I think a safe rule of thumb is to spend HALF the amount of time and money on your pet than you would spend on yourself or your offspring.

Sadly, the inspiration for this post is a result of conversations I've had (or overheard) with people I actually know who are guilty of any or all of the following ludicrous pet care practices:

Feeding: The adjective "gourmet" should appear nowhere in your pets' menu. You should NOT be making special trips to the Amish Market to track down the organic kibble that you'd like to feed Fido. Waste your money on Fancy Feast rather than the store brand? Be my guest. Spend hours in the kitchen preparing both baked AND boiled chicken as an addition to your pups' meal? You're an idiot.

Accessorizing: Like gluing jewels to your crotch, there are certain things in life that are just unnecessary. Buying your pooch a diamond collar is very high on that list.

Grooming: On average I spend no more than $35 on my hair every 4 months. This is a 400% increase over my previous haircut budget when I would spend $8 (with a coupon) at SuperCuts. (Not kidding). You can imagine my utter disbelief when I walked past the Ritzy Canine Carriage House on 40th and 3rd, where it is advertised that the groomer uses "an assortment of luxurious pet salon products" and even offers "Pawdicures!"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me" seems like an understatement.

Lodging: If you think grooming your dog is out of control, just wait until you read about the options in kenneling. There is an actual place in San Francisco that markets itself as providing Feline Wishes and Caviar Dreams.


Pictured here is one of eight 6ft. x 6 ft. Palazzo suites on the second floor overlooking full height window wall for lots of sunlight to bask in. Each suite is provided with its own deluxe condo for hours of climbing, relaxing or snuggling.

Sounds eerily similar to description of my penthouse apartment. All I'm saying is that if I can stay at a Holiday Inn, so can my dog.


Exercising: This video speaks for itself....



Kinda puts a whole new spin on the concept of "doggy style" doesn't it?

The latest in body modifications?

I can barely afford Swarovski crystal earrings and you want me to affix said crystals to my nether regions? No thank you, Jennifer.

What's even more disconcerting is that when I entered "bedazzl...." into Google, it was autocompleted to "Bedazzling your vajayjay." Seriously.

April Foolishness

Read on for a collection of random thoughts to kick off the month of April.

- You know you're out of shape when the stain on your favorite workout tank top isn't sweat, but actually grease from the pizza you had for dinner the night before.

- You know you live in Murray Hill when Dunkin Donuts starts advertising that they are Kosher and you could build a military fort using the Matzoh display at D'Agostinos.

- When did marketing executives think it would be a good idea to personify things like ink and hunger? In case you were wondering what either looks like, see pictures below.













(Can't help but notice that the "hungry monster" has no mouth, and looks like a Sesame Street character gone horribly wrong.)



- I think people who take the elevator down ONE flight of stairs deserve to get trapped inside said elevator along side an individual with sub par hygiene.

- Has anyone actually taken the time to deconstruct any of the lyrics from Keri Hilson's Knocks You Down? I've listened to it adnauseum because of it's kick-ass beat for running, but have recently found myself in a state of "WTF?" (Not surprisingly as a result of Kanye West)

First of all, I'd LOVE to know what a "pimp ship flying high" actually looks like. (I'd subsequently like to politely decline the ride.)

Secondly, when asked, "what we gonna have, dessert or disaster?" I think the response should be fairly obvious. But really? Are those actually my relationship options?!?


I just hope you choose wisely.....

Please enjoy my personal essay on how to be ungrateful for a 6 block commute:

FIRST, I'm holding the door at Dunkin Donuts for an elderly gentlemen to exit (as I always would) when some incredibly rude woman with a hippopotamus ass takes it upon herself to swoop right in as though my purpose in life was to hold the door for her. Now she's in front of me on line and she's ordering enough coffee for the population of Yemen. (I'm not really sure how many people that is, but it's a lot.) I exhale loudly (because I'm passive aggressive) and (sort of) let it go.

THEN, my sock starts slipping off. I don't know if you've ever had this happen to you while wearing ankle socks and Uggs, but it is easily one of THE MOST annoying things EVER. You can't very well stop, take your shoe off and adjust ... so you keep walking with half a sock under your foot, not covering your heel, making your life as miserable as the Princess and the mother-fucking Pea.

(So just to recap we now have the obnoxious woman at DD + an uncomfortable foot....)

I walk on towards 42nd street, where the one and only Strawberry is conveniently located for that last minute outfit for a Friday night. This particular morning, the underpaid staff are changing the displays in the windows, which has caused such a commotion that no less than 15 people are stopped in the middle of Lexington avenue (RIGHT where the subway lets out) to watch in awe as mannequins body parts flail about. Let me remind you, these are windows at Strawberry, not Macy's!

(My irritation grows and I still have 3 blocks to go...)

THEN, there is another fine specimen of a human being, who stops dead in her tracks because she's decided that THIS is the EXACT moment she NEEDS to light up a cigarette. I do not understand WHY people can't grasp the concept of STEPPING ASIDE. Would you slam on your breaks in the center lane of a 3 way highway while people around you are cruising at 70mph? NO? Didn't think so.

FINALLY, I'm a few short steps from my building, when three numb-nuts waiting to cross the street suddenly realize "oh shit, the bus is coming and it's headed straight for that puddle!"... Almost in unison they LEAP backwards to avoid the splash with complete disregard for anyone else walking behind them on the sidewalk (translation: me). I fought the urge to push them under said bus.

Needless to say, I've never been so content to be staring at a computer screen in my tiny little cube.

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If you haven't at least giggled at any of the above musings, you should probably just watch Zach Galifianakis' opening monologue from Saturday Night Live. Now.