I Guess This is Growing Up?

In case you hadn't noticed my Facebook status in the past 24 hours, last night was my semi-annual cleaning of the pearly whites at the dentist. After this experience, I've concluded that the only thing worse than a dentist with halitosis, is a dentist with halitosis AND a sinus infection. The rhinoceros who checked up on my hygienist's work breathed so heavily through her mouth that I kid you not when I say I nearly up-chucked in her face. Anyhoodle, the horrors associated with maintaining my perfect smile are not the point of this post. (If you're looking for a hilarious perspective on the dentist, read this.)

My dentist's office is inconveniently located 37 miles from my apartment in Manhattan and not close to any major forms of public transportation. As such, I usually buy my parents dinner in exchange for their taxi services and then spend the night at Chateau Hacker on Long Island.

On this particular trip to the homestead it occurred to me that I haven't lived in my parents' house for almost 3 years (not counting the 3+ years away at college). As a result, my bedroom still looks the way it did when I was a senior in high school. (Not to say that it's been wholly untouched - a few upgrades were made to accommodate family from Germany - but the majority of the decor remains the same).


Sadly, I've come to the conclusion that the purpose of my next trip to LI will be a massive purge of the past. Having recently celebrated a brand new decade and my closer-to-30-than-20-birthday, I think it's safe to say goodbye to a ton of junk circa 1999. In case you're interested (which I assume you are if you're reading my blog), please see below for a brief list of my toss/keep items.

Toss: Just about everything I wore in highschool/college.
This includes but is not limited to:
- my "lucky" jeans that I will never ever be able to squeeze my ass into again. - the countless tee shirts I designed for graffiti parties, beer golf, and other team drinking events.
- the high-top sneakers that I absolutely HAD to have for JV Basketball (despite the fact that I had a terrible jump shot and zero aspirations for WNBA.)

Keep: My Romanette uniform (because you just never know when you'll need a short pleated skirt.)

Toss: Trophies, Plaques & Certificates.
Yes, I was a classic overachieving brown-noser. However, I'm fairly certain that being captain of my middle school volleyball team or winning second place in an FBLA word-processing competition aren't achievements that I will one day need to display in my corner office.

Keep: Diplomas and yearbooks, duh. (These should be saved even if you went to the University of Phoenix or looked like a complete tool in your yearbook photo.)

Toss: Junk jewelry
While I realize this doesn't apply to (most) of my male audience, I think my lady friends will agree that the contents of a jewelry box is often overlooked during a cleaning sesh. I personally, move the box from one side of the dresser to the other and simply dust underneath without ever looking inside. Big mistake.

Last night I found no less than 25 puka shell necklaces (that I begged my parents to buy me on every single tropical vacation) and an equal number of horribly tarnished giant hoop earrings (pretty sure the bf is psyched I'm over that phase). Regardless, I think it's safe to say I will NEVER wear either those accessories again, ever.

Keep: My custom designed highschool/college rings.

Toss: My weathering stationary collection.
I think it was around 3rd grade that I thought to my self, "Man! A sticker collection would be SO cool!" (In retrospect I recognize that I was not even in the realm of cool when thinking this). However, at the time I couldn't get my hands on enough Lisa Frank, and as I grew, my obsession expanded to anything I could purchase at Staples of Office Max.

That said, I think it's finally time that I discard the lined paper and matching envelopes that I used to write letters to my pen pals. (After all, it is 2010... I can probably just find them on Facebook, right?)

Keep: Post-its, sharpies, and scrapbook supplies.

Toss: Unnecessary drinking paraphernalia.
- The funnel from Seaside Heights after prom.
- The shot glasses from the Bahamas.
- The Mardi Gras beads from the infamous frat party of 2004.
- The plastic yard glass from Senor Frog's Cancun (that I actually opted to pack instead of a pair of flip flops in my overstuffed suitcase on the way home- clearly I had my priorities straight).

Keep: The ridiculously awesome beer steins from my trip to Knetzgau.

Toss: Pogs.
This short-lived fad of circle shaped cardboard will never be worth money. (But if I'm being honest, I probably won't be able to part with the slammers.)

Keep: Crimping iron.
Because chicks can't resist an 80's party!

In the meantime, I think I'll have to start paying my parents a monthly fee for using my old bedroom as my off-site storage.

Also, I promise I'll blog more when ski season is over. Thanks for the complaints, er, encouragement. ;)

National Hot Dog and Sausage Council

(Yes, it's a real thing... and you thought Library School was a joke.)

I still don't feel like writing anything creative so I just thought I'd pass this along.


(Courtesy of Delmarva Media Group):
Nutritionists have long warned of the perils of hot dogs: fat, sodium and preservatives to name a few.

Now, the American Academy of Pediatrics wants foods like hot dogs to come with a warning label — not because of their nutritional risks but because they pose a choking hazard to babies and children.

Better yet, the academy would like to see foods such as hot dogs "redesigned" so their size, shape and texture make them less likely to lodge in a youngster's throat. More than 10,000 children under 14 go to the emergency room each year after choking on food, and up to 77 die, says the new policy statement, published online today in Pediatrics. About 17% of food-related asphyxiations are caused by hot dogs.

"If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child's airway, it would be a hot dog," says statement author Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. "I'm a pediatric emergency doctor, and to try to get them out once they're wedged in, it's almost impossible."

The Consumer Product Safety Commission requires labels on toys with small parts alerting people not to give them to kids under 3. Yet there are no required warnings on food, though more than half of non-fatal choking episodes involve food, Smith says.

"No parents can watch all of their kids 100% of the time," Smith says. "The best way to protect kids is to design these risks out of existence."

Though Smith says he doesn't know exactly how someone would redesign a hot dog, he's certain that some savvy inventor will find a way.

Janet Riley, president of the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council, supports the academy's call to better educate parents and caregivers about choking prevention. "Ensuring the safety of the foods we service to children is critically important for us," Riley says.

But Riley questions whether warning labels are needed. She notes that more than half of hot dogs sold in stores already have choking-prevention tips on their packages, advising parents to cut them into small pieces. "As a mother who has fed toddlers cylindrical foods like grapes, bananas, hot dogs and carrots, I 'redesigned' them in my kitchen by cutting them with a paring knife until my children were old enough to manage on their own," Riley says.

The Food and Drug Administration, which has authority to recall products it considers "unfit for food," plans to review the new statement, spokeswoman Rita Chappelle says.

Given the health risks of obesity, pediatrician Alan Greene, author of Feeding Baby Green, says, "The last thing we need is to redesign candy and junk food with cool shapes, so we can give them to kids even younger."

*Suggestions for the redesigned shapes of hot dogs welcome... My vote is for them to be redesigned into the actual shape of a dog, accompanied by a ludicrous explanation about where hot dogs come from. If that doesn't turn a kid off to hot dogs permanently, I don't know what would.

Terrible Life Decisions

Nope, not mine (but apparently I'm not alone). Much to the detriment of the Jersey Shore phenomenon, MTV has decided to move the cast to Florida to begin recording season 2 sooner (likely before anyone has the opportunity to forget why they are so obsessed with this train wreck.) While I'm sure the amount of fist pumping and GTL-ing will go unaltered (as an innate characteristic of the guido), it's probably safe to say that there will be less 'smushing' of 'grenades' and less brawls on the boardwalk. Good luck with that, MTV.

(Courtesy of David Hinckley at the NY Daily News):

MTV IS so eager to get another season of "Jersey Shore" onto the air that it has decided the "Jersey" part is expendable. Snooki, The Situation and their pals will shine no matter where they pitch their beach umbrellas, MTV figures.

It makes you wonder if you missed the announcement that MTV has delegated its executive decision-making to a couple of drunks at the Bada Bing.

Moving "Jersey Shore" out of Jersey and expecting it to retain its style and attitude is the reality-show equivalent of thinking you can buy a bagel in Indiana and it will taste like a bagel in Brooklyn.

It's like thinking you can get a decent slice of pizza in California, which is true only if you think pineapple tastes like pepperoni.

Some things don't travel. Jersey Shore attitude is one.

Sure, Jersey exports attitude all the time. DMX is from New Jersey. Jack Nicholson is from New Jersey. Frank Sinatra and Dennis Rodman came from New Jersey.

It's also true that most of the "Jersey Shore" cast didn't.

But 'tude, as seen on TV, isn't just a person or just a place. It's how the two come together.
Location may matter little for a "Survivor," where the cast focuses on internal goals. It's critical for a "Jersey Shore," which turns the cast loose so we can see what stupid thing they will do next.

Like any interesting place, the Shore has a distinct character. It has better beaches than Southern California. It has its own habits, its own foods, its own patterns of sun and light. It has its own brand of fellow shoregoers, not all of them charming.

It has its own language. Summer visitors are "bennies." You go "down the shore," not "down to the shore."

Think of it this way: If you drop rats into a maze carved from cheese, they will react differently than if you drop them into a box wired to deliver electric shocks.

Since a reality show essentially is the same principle as dropping rats into a maze, we will get different data in South Beach than we'd get in South Amboy.

You can't drop these goofs on some other beach and expect to get "Jersey Shore," any more than Berry Gordy could move Motown Records to L.A. and expect great music. It didn't happen.
Location matters.

MTV has a legitimate dilemma. Since cast members will reportedly make $10,000 an episode this year, instead of the boardwalk arcade tokens they got before, MTV wants a fast return. It wants fresh episodes for summer, meaning they must be filmed when a beach series in Jersey would mean people in down coats huddled together for warmth.

So the promo machine is already cranking: Say, fans, where will the cast be shipped? The Hamptons? Wait! Is the smart money on South Beach?

Once they leave Jersey, it won't matter - except to underscore a larger truth about the show.
It's already on an egg timer.

However much we enjoy these goofy people, we aren't friending them for life. When the act wears thin, we will move on.

If they leave Jersey, that happens faster.

Just sayin'.

Hair Don'ts and Other Headwear Faux Pas

By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself a Fashionista. Hell, with the way I dress I'm barely even qualified to be a Maxxonista. However, being an opinionated person capable of sight, I do know that some things look just plain stupid. Take or leave my advice but know that I'd cross the following items off your list of "fads to try."

I find most headwear to be hideous. The only time I wear a hat is when I'm skiing. If it's not going to keep you warm, why bother? (Baseball caps are a completely different story and should absolutely be rocked with a ponytail at major sporting events.)


Enter, the "winter beret." Some might argue that it looks cute. I think it's ridiculous. The crocheted pattern will not block wind and I can guarantee that you will be adjusting its placement every 42 seconds as it slips over your eyes, behind your ears, flattens your hair, etc. If you're legitimately concerned about braving the frigid elements, wear a kick-ass pair of ear muffs and call it a day.


I can't remember the last time I wore a headband. (Actually, yes I can- it was 1995 and I was posing in front of a laser backdrop for my elementary school photos). Again, take or leave my advice, but in case you hadn't received the memo, it's not 1970 and you don't need a doobie cap to get a better high- take the headband off your forehead.



Beware of bangs gone bad... If you're totally bent on having that sweepy/sexy look in front, make sure your stylist doesn't get scissor happy and chop the awfulness pictured below. Also keep in mind that reversing the process to grow out newly acquired bangs is a total bitch and requires a ton of patience and a ton of bobby pins.



Thanks to our Jersey Shore fan favorite Snookie, I expect bump-it sales to sky rocket. (Likely rivaling the Snuggie for ridiculous infomercial items that managed to generate an obscene profit.) I implore my female readers to steer clear of

this look unless you're actually in Seaside Heights.












Lastly, I think it's safe to say that you should never try any of Lady Gaga's fashion tips. She can pull it off, you can't.