Raise a Glass to a Smaller Ass?

Okay, so here's the thing: A) I've been totally slacking on Newsday Tuesdays 'cause I haven't really been motivated to write, and B) my last two posts had way too many references to exercise, eating right, and wearing bathingsuits.

Although I have prematurely traded my uggs for flip flops and transitioned from hot to iced coffee, let's pump the breaks on summer and take a minute to remember the benefits of our favorite year-round pasttime..... boozing.

(My obvious commentary in green. Information courtesy of CNN Health)

Study: Women who drink are less likely to gain weight
Some women avoid drinking calorie-filled cocktails, wine, and beer because they're worried about packing on the pounds.* Now, a new study suggests that women who are moderate drinkers** actually tend to gain less weight over time than teetotalers.

*At the risk of offending any of my readers: I simply cannot stand calorie-counting chicks who won't drink beer. Sorry, it's just un-American.
**I'm also going to loosely interpret "moderate" to mean the exact amount of alcohol I see fit.

The risk of becoming overweight or obese falls as alcohol consumption rises, even when factors such as smoking, fruit and vegetable consumption, and physical activity are taken into account, the study found.
Women who consumed between 1.5* and 3 drinks daily had a 27 percent and 61 percent lower risk of becoming overweight or obese, respectively, than women who didn't drink at all**, according to the study, which was published in the Archives of Internal Medicine.

*Does anyone honestly consume just half of a drink?? Adult or not, that's a party foul.
**I am not friends with these women.

However, the researchers did not look at how the participants' drinking may have affected their lives besides weight gain. Alcohol use can lead to health problems and "psychosocial problems," they point out, and they caution that appropriate alcohol intake differs for each individual and depends on a range of factors. In addition to potentially causing problems at work* and with relationships**, daily alcohol consumption has a number of health risks, including a small increase in the risk of breast cancer.

*Don't drink at work.
**Avoid toxic relationships.
No problem!

Experts recommend that women drink no more than one alcoholic beverage a day, and that men limit themselves to two.*

*Double-fucking-standards strike again!

And if you don't drink, experts say, these findings shouldn't inspire you to start hitting the bottle."It won't change recommendations for my patients, I can say that for certain," says Scott Kahan, M.D., the co-director of the George Washington University Weight Management Program, in Washington, D.C. "If you don't drink, there's no reason to start."*

*I can think of about 64 reasons to start, but that's probably a discussion for another blog... or a therapist.

But, he adds, "I think [the study] suggests that there's no need to quit or avoid alcohol if it's something you enjoy."*

*That's really all I need to know.... And just in time for St. Patrick's Day debauchery!

(To read the less entertaining, albeit more informative and complete statistics from the original article, see full text here.)

Ree-DoubleD-iculous

Hi. This is a blog about boobs.

Thanks to the early onset of puberty, I have been harvesting my ta-ta's since I was approximately 10 years old. There is no secret formula, special vitamin, or daily dose of hormones contributing to their growth, just some solid genes from my German ancestors.

While one might describe me as "lucky" for having such a rack, I say nay my flat-chested female friends.

It all started innocently enough. Young girl begins to develop and is both excited and embarrassed to ask her mom to take her to J.C. Penny for her first training bra (which absolutely had to have a pink bow despite the fact that no one would see it.) Unfortunately, it was all downhill from that shopping spree...

While I'm the first to admit I was never uber graceful or overly coordinated, at that age doing gymnastics or taking dance lessons was the only cool thing for a girl to do.

That is, unless you had boobs.

The quizzical stares I received from my peers in leotards made me feel as though I had sprouted a penis from my forehead and was now asking them to call me Uni-Dick. Needless to say, my dreams of becoming an Olympic gold medalist on the balance beam was squashed as quickly as my aspirations for the NYC Ballet.


(Please see exhibits A and B below for an example of 2GNB: Two Girls No Breasts)

Still jealous? Don't worry, I'm just getting started.

I do realize how great it sounds in theory....being described as the chick with the huge knockers, the ability to use cleavage to get out of speeding tickets, etc. etc. But let me enlighten you as to the real "joys" of of big jugs.

1) How many ways can you say nipple-itis?
- Her turkeys are done.
- She poked my eye out.
- Anyone ever tell you it's not polite to point?
And my all time favorite nick name: Frosty the Nipple Hard Ninja. (I wish I were kidding.)

2) Button-down shirts that fit well?
Non-existent. Unless you plan on using duct-tape to secure those puppies to your chest, good luck finding a button-down shirt that doesn't pop open halfway down.


3) Comfortable tube tops and strapless dresses?
No such thing. Not even the best of the best strapless bras can keep those bad boys in place. Over/under at hoisting them up throughout the day = 37.

4) Triangle top bathing suits?
Think again. You'd get better coverage from a pair of boobie tassels. Or this blouse:

5) A bra with support AND sex appeal?
You'd have an easier time finding a bra that provided cocaine and cocoa puffs.

6) A pleasant jog through the park?

Not likely. Unless you double up sports bras while also wearing a tank top with a built in bra your attempt at exercise might look something like this:

If you've read this and disagree, well, I guess the grass really is greener on the other side of Victoria's Secret.

My March Madness

With two blizzards behind us and a balmy forecast in store for the weekend, one might be excited about the onset of Spring. Baseball is back, rooftop bars will be opening soon, and Daylight Savings means I'll actually see the sun when I leave work. If you're sports fanatic, you're probably also looking forward to the NCAA basketball tournament.

I was pumped for all the outdoor shenanigans spring has to offer... until I received the latest issue of Self Magazine. This godforsaken subscription serves as a monthly reminder of the super model figure I will never have. Perhaps it would be more appropriately titled Self Loathing.

The current issue is particularly frustrating as it kicks-off the annual Self Challenge - a delayed New Years resolution to get in shape before summer arrives. Page after glossy page is filled with images of bikini clad athletes encouraging the reader to feel more confident when they trade their turtlenecks for tube tops.

Not surprisingly, it does the exact opposite.

My first gripe with these models is that they all look really, really, ridiculously happy during their photo shoot. Meanwhile, their perfectly toned abs appear opposite an article on "How to Eat Your Way Thin," - a diet that is comprised of nothing but leafy greens and citrus fruits.

Oh yea? Well let me be the first to assure you that if all I'm eating is rabbit food and vitamin C my happiness level is going to drop faster than Janet Jackson's top at Super Bowl.

Even more ludicrous is the 10-page Special Section that appeals to the incredibly overweight and equally indolent.

"Do you aspire to lose weight while doing absolutely nothing?"

"Want to feast on twinkies morning, noon, and night?"

No problem!!

Flip to page 37 for "The Lazy Lady's Guide to Looking Lovely."

This section is a marketing executive's DREAM. Here, the easily manipulated American reader can find countless products that cost hundreds of dollars and make empty promises for a "firmer, fitter, you" all without a single ounce of effort!!

All I can say is that if you're stupid enough to fall for the crock of shit that the following products offer, you fully deserve the fat ass that you're currently sitting on. Here are a few of my favs:

1. Bodiperfect booty shorts- Got cellulite? Simply wear these magical underwear to bed and you too can shed those unwanted ass bumps.

(Ignore the scientific fact that cellulite doesn't just disappear.)

2. Shape Ups or Fit Flops- Shoes that promise you leaner legs just by walking. What they don't tell you (because it should be glaringly evident) is that walking up the block to the nearest Taco Bell for your third Cheesy Gordita Crunch that day will not tone your gams.

3. The flex belt- Yep, that's it! Just a belt! Not a single crunch or sit-up necessary to get abs of steel. Hey, look, you'll even get a tan after using this product!

4. Neckline slimmer: There aren't even words to describe the silliness of this product. I guess if all else fails you can combine the skills you've acquired from the neckline slimmer and the Shake Weight to become one hell of a prostitute.

5. Shake weight: Just watch Ellen, she's hilarious.