I was pumped for all the outdoor shenanigans spring has to offer... until I received the latest issue of Self Magazine. This godforsaken subscription serves as a monthly reminder of the super model figure I will never have. Perhaps it would be more appropriately titled Self Loathing.
The current issue is particularly frustrating as it kicks-off the annual Self Challenge - a delayed New Years resolution to get in shape before summer arrives. Page after glossy page is filled with images of bikini clad athletes encouraging the reader to feel more confident when they trade their turtlenecks for tube tops.
Not surprisingly, it does the exact opposite.
My first gripe with these models is that they all look really, really, ridiculously happy during their photo shoot. Meanwhile, their perfectly toned abs appear opposite an article on "How to Eat Your Way Thin," - a diet that is comprised of nothing but leafy greens and citrus fruits.
Oh yea? Well let me be the first to assure you that if all I'm eating is rabbit food and vitamin C my happiness level is going to drop faster than Janet Jackson's top at Super Bowl.
Even more ludicrous is the 10-page Special Section that appeals to the incredibly overweight and equally indolent.
The current issue is particularly frustrating as it kicks-off the annual Self Challenge - a delayed New Years resolution to get in shape before summer arrives. Page after glossy page is filled with images of bikini clad athletes encouraging the reader to feel more confident when they trade their turtlenecks for tube tops.
Not surprisingly, it does the exact opposite.
My first gripe with these models is that they all look really, really, ridiculously happy during their photo shoot. Meanwhile, their perfectly toned abs appear opposite an article on "How to Eat Your Way Thin," - a diet that is comprised of nothing but leafy greens and citrus fruits.
Oh yea? Well let me be the first to assure you that if all I'm eating is rabbit food and vitamin C my happiness level is going to drop faster than Janet Jackson's top at Super Bowl.
Even more ludicrous is the 10-page Special Section that appeals to the incredibly overweight and equally indolent.
"Do you aspire to lose weight while doing absolutely nothing?"
"Want to feast on twinkies morning, noon, and night?"
No problem!!
Flip to page 37 for "The Lazy Lady's Guide to Looking Lovely."
This section is a marketing executive's DREAM. Here, the easily manipulated American reader can find countless products that cost hundreds of dollars and make empty promises for a "firmer, fitter, you" all without a single ounce of effort!!
All I can say is that if you're stupid enough to fall for the crock of shit that the following products offer, you fully deserve the fat ass that you're currently sitting on. Here are a few of my favs:
1. Bodiperfect booty shorts- Got cellulite? Simply wear these magical underwear to bed and you too can shed those unwanted ass bumps. (Ignore the scientific fact that cellulite doesn't just disappear.)
2. Shape Ups or Fit Flops- Shoes that promise you leaner legs just by walking. What they don't tell you (because it should be glaringly evident) is that walking up the block to the nearest Taco Bell for your third Cheesy Gordita Crunch that day will not tone your gams.
3. The flex belt- Yep, that's it! Just a belt! Not a single crunch or sit-up necessary to get abs of steel. Hey, look, you'll even get a tan after using this product!
4. Neckline slimmer: There aren't even words to describe the silliness of this product. I guess if all else fails you can combine the skills you've acquired from the neckline slimmer and the Shake Weight to become one hell of a prostitute.
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