There IS such a thing as crappy candy

I walk past the Hallmark store on 46th and Lex every morning on my way to work. Sometimes I stop in to browse the selection of greeting cards because I love sending snail mail to my friends. Today, however, I was annoyed - not just because it's Monday, but because the store is currently advertising the arrival of the 2009 line of Christmas tree ornaments. I firmly believe Christmas in July is one of the most ridiculous concepts ever. If we can start planning for a holiday 6 months in advance, I think it's also fair that we start celebrating my birthday in August.

When I got to work I couldn't help but muse to myself about absurd holiday traditions. Ironically enough I sparked up a conversation with my friend Rory about jelly beans and realized that my aversion to all candies affiliated with major holidays might be blogworthy material. (If you disagree, feel free to stop reading.)

Valentine's Day: I think a heart shaped box of Russel Stover's chocolates is quite possibly the worst gift ever. First, it shows absolutely no thought. Second, the contents completely suck. I'd honestly rather be given a Snicker's bar than a box of mystery chocolate... It is NOT fun biting into one candy filled with delicious caramel and then another filled with some pink goo that reminds me too much of toothpaste.

Also awful are those boxes of heart-shaped antacid-like candies with lame phrases like "hug me." They taste like chalk and were only marginally cute in first grade when boys & girls had no idea how else to flirt. I can't believe they are still being manufactured.

Easter: While several treats have emerged in association with Easter Sunday, there is still some debate as to the "official" candy for this holiday. (The debate of course being between myself and aforementioned friend.) Regardless, I contend that they all suck equally.

Peeps - Whose idea was it to coat marshmallows in colorful sugar anyway? What are parents thinking buying these for their offspring? "Hey kids, it's Easter... Let's see who can suffer diabetic shock first!" The only place marshmallows should appear are at a campfire for s'mores or on a nutella and fluff sandwich.

Jelly Beans - I'm an equal opportunity hater of both regular jelly beans and the "gourmet" variety. My feelings are this: if you need to disguise the original flavor of a jelly bean to taste like something else (be it popcorn or bubblegum, or whatever other flavor JellyBelly has concocted) the original candy must inherently suck. Why wouldn't you just eat popcorn or chew bubblegum?? I think jelly beans belong at the bottom of the Easter basket buried in the synthetic grass.

Cadbury Eggs - What the shit are these things filled with anyway? The consistency is beyond questionable. While I appreciate the realism in trying to make the chocolate egg resemble a real egg, if I'm looking for yolk and albumen I'll grab myself an actual hard boiled egg and call it a snack.

Halloween: The only thing that makes me angrier than a sack full of pennies while trick or treating is a bag full of candy corn. Candy corn isn't even a bargaining chip when trading candy with your siblings. We put that crap right back in the communal bucket to redistribute around the neighborhood. And is it just me, or do they bear a striking resemblance to rotting teeth?

Christmas - If candy canes can be hung on a tree for decoration, they should not also be edible. In fact, I'd argue that they are not edible. I wouldn't be surprised if stores re-used last year's inventory during this year's sale. Do candy canes even have an expiration date?


And this is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There's no nonsense, no bullshit, not horrific sugary snacks, just a solid meal with too many side dishes, decadent desserts, and plenty of leftovers to gorge yourself again the next day.