Thanks to the early onset of puberty, I have been harvesting my ta-ta's since I was approximately 10 years old. There is no secret formula, special vitamin, or daily dose of hormones contributing to their growth, just some solid genes from my German ancestors.
While one might describe me as "lucky" for having such a rack, I say nay my flat-chested female friends.
It all started innocently enough. Young girl begins to develop and is both excited and embarrassed to ask her mom to take her to J.C. Penny for her first training bra (which absolutely had to have a pink bow despite the fact that no one would see it.) Unfortunately, it was all downhill from that shopping spree...
While I'm the first to admit I was never uber graceful or overly coordinated, at that age doing gymnastics or taking dance lessons was the only cool thing for a girl to do.
That is, unless you had boobs.
The quizzical stares I received from my peers in leotards made me feel as though I had sprouted a penis from my forehead and was now asking them to call me Uni-Dick. Needless to say, my dreams of becoming an Olympic gold medalist on the balance beam was squashed as quickly as my aspirations for the NYC Ballet.
(Please see exhibits A and B below for an example of 2GNB: Two Girls No Breasts)
Still jealous? Don't worry, I'm just getting started.
I do realize how great it sounds in theory....being described as the chick with the huge knockers, the ability to use cleavage to get out of speeding tickets, etc. etc. But let me enlighten you as to the real "joys" of of big jugs.
1) How many ways can you say nipple-itis?
- Her turkeys are done.
- She poked my eye out.
- Anyone ever tell you it's not polite to point?
And my all time favorite nick name: Frosty the Nipple Hard Ninja. (I wish I were kidding.)
2) Button-down shirts that fit well?
Non-existent. Unless you plan on using duct-tape to secure those puppies to your chest, good luck finding a button-down shirt that doesn't pop open halfway down.
3) Comfortable tube tops and strapless dresses?
No such thing. Not even the best of the best strapless bras can keep those bad boys in place. Over/under at hoisting them up throughout the day = 37.
4) Triangle top bathing suits?
Think again. You'd get better coverage from a pair of boobie tassels. Or this blouse:
5) A bra with support AND sex appeal?
You'd have an easier time finding a bra that provided cocaine and cocoa puffs.
6) A pleasant jog through the park?
Not likely. Unless you double up sports bras while also wearing a tank top with a built in bra your attempt at exercise might look something like this:
As a big boobed woman myself, I would have to agree that being "tits magee" is not all its cracked up to be. Though you did leave out the lovely phrase, "Is it cold in here?" Because everytime your body temperature drops, everyone can tell, especially in a bathing suit. That is assuming you can find one that modestly covers your boobs without looking like a pole dancer.
ReplyDeleteAs for lingerie, the only ones that will fit anything bigger than a 34C do not have underwires, and anyone who is a D-cup+ knows an underwire is a necessity. As for victoria secret, who charges more for bras with D-cups and up, what is the charge for? The padding? Who on gods green earth would want MORE padding when they are D-cups and bigger? There bathing suits do not fit any better, unless you want your boobs to fall out while you swim, I don't judge.
I always loved how those who call well endowment a "blessing" are always the flat chested girls. I don't think they would feel so blessed when they couldn't wear those itty-bitty tops that don't require a bra or those nice low back dresses, such luxuries big boobed woman don't have.
So next time you small chested woman are trying on your tube tops and or working out in your underwire(not cool btw), just remember that big boobs come with hips to support them, otherwise we would all topple over like Barbie.