The Art of the Beer-B-Q

Well it still doesn't feel like summer, fuck you very much mother nature, but that's not gonna stop me from engaging in 4th of July shenanigans or blogging about outdoor activities. There's really no better excuse for afternoon debauchery than a good old fashioned BBQ.

I often salivate thinking about juicy cheeseburgers, bigger-than-the-bun hot dogs, ribs & wings smothered in marinades, steaks, kabobs, and all those useless salads that we load on our plates with no actual intention of eating. (In case it's not obvious, I'm a huge fan of food.) And of course, this feast would not be complete without superfluous amounts of alcohol.

Sounds glorious right?

It absolutely is.... Until you are too stuffed to move and the thought of another beer makes you feel sick. Or worse, you actually get sick. Not fucking up a BBQ requires one to delicately balance eating and drinking in the presence of abundance. The concept here is one that I'm vaguely familiar with: Self Control.

There are many factors to take into consideration before the festivities even begin:

On day drinking: I've learned from experience that how early you start drinking is directly proportional to how early you end up face down in your neighbor's Azalea bushes. Don't invite people over before 2pm.

Stick to beer:
- If you can spot the money for your friends, get a keg and collect $5 from everyone. (FYI- If you're a dude who is trying to get laid by a particular girl, she shouldn't have to pay.) The cleanup is exponentially easier than cases and you don't have to worry about a BYO situation where someone ends up bitching that their stash of Smirnoff Ice was stolen.

- Don't serve Smirnoff Ice. Or Mike's Hard Lemonade, or Zima (unless the theme of your party is 9th grade), or any other fruity carbonated beverages.... Everyone knows wine coolers are for pussies.

- Don't offer a full bar of hard liquor. Midday shots will lead to disaster. If you want to serve a fun summer beverage for the few inevitable female guests who "just don't like beer" I'd recommend a jungle juice concotion (avoiding fruit punch as an ingredient because that's just bound to ruin someone's white shirt.) Try this Skippy recipe from the Digital Bartender. And if you really want to guarantee a shitshow, substitute the vodka for Everclear. Nothing says blackout like grain alcohol.

Setting Up:
Don't blow it. When trying to keep the masses entertained, you need to make sure your set up is user-friendly. As awesome as a beirut table is, keep in mind that it's not an all inclusive activity. Make sure you have at least two other tables and plenty of chairs in the yard. Set up a second table for survivor flip cup and have an additional table for people to actually sit and converse. Don't forget extra cups, balls, and pitchers for seamless transitions from game to game.


Assign a Grill Master:
If you're the host, it should not be you. You have enough to worry about. That said, it's a pretty huge responsibility so make sure you choose someone who knows when meat is properly cooked and is less likely to set their own eyebrows ablaze. Food poisoining can be a real bitch and no one wants the fire department to show up...unless they're these guys--->

Once the festivities begin you should exercise some restraint when stuffing your face. You don't look attractive if you're the pig of the group and you'll be even less attractive if you have to pull the trigger before the sun sets. However, if you need to read this dieter's guide to BBQ survival you should probably just make other plans.

Hope everyone sees all sorts of fireworks this weekend!