Dear Facebook,First and foremost, let me tell you that I am a long time fan of yours. As a junior in college since your inception, I have faithfully stood by your side through many modifications. Remember that time you opened your network to the whole world? Thanks for that. It’s been a real treat to get friend requests from my mom’s best friend and my 10 year old cousin who wonders why I look so "silly" in my pictures.
While you’ve always been there when I need a platform for stalking that new guy I met, determining how soon my ex started a new relationship, or if anyone I went to high school with amounted to something successful, of late, I am beginning to question your intentions. You claim that you want to help members “connect and share with the people in their lives” but I feel that your real purpose is to mold a generation of neurotic social networkers. Please see detailed grievances below:
Suggestions: Thanks, but no thanks. Why you would think that I would want to request a friendship with my ex-boyfriend's wife is beyond me. Just because we have 63 mutual friends does not mean we are destined for a Facebook reconciliation. Going forward it would be great if you could please mind your own business.
And yes, of my 452 friends I’m certain I haven’t spoken to 92% of them lately. That said, no, I would not like to send them a message or write on their wall. If it’s alright with you, I would like to continue our communication-free relationship based solely on secretly stalking each other’s pictures when something important changes in our profiles.
Applications: The ridiculousness of your applications has grown exponentially in recent months. Do you really think it’s necessary to encourage users to exchange gifts and drinks electronically? Is fighting a mafia war or planting a virtual garden an effective use of my time? Nope, didn’t think so.
We’re related? Really? Wow, the fact that I’ve known my sister for the past 25 years hadn't occurred to me! Cousins? I'm shocked- all this time I thought we had the same last name by pure coincidence and that they had been attending Christmas dinner as charity tax write-off for my parents.
Poking: I think it's safe to say the novelty has worn off. Admittedly, I was once guilty of abusing the poking feature, but it is 2009 and no longer an acceptable way to initiate conversation with a stranger or flirt with a fellow facebooker. That's what text messages are for.
Fan Pages: While I am a fan of many things in life, your fan pages are not one of them. Of course I like naps, who doesn't? Sure, I text when I’m in awkward situations. Do I really need to join a page to publicly declare my ‘fanaticism’ for these things?
Quizzes: Oh, Facebook, how you attempt to answer the real tough questions in life. Without your stimulating exams, I might not know what to name my boobs or which Sex and the City character I am. Thank you for your guidance.
While the corporate world sees you as a black hole of intellect and responsible time management, I have quite enjoyed our relationship. I hope that in the future you will think twice before adding features that will result in the deactivation of my account.
Thank you kindly for your attention to this matter.
PS- I’ll write again soon with suggestions for improvement.
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