However, as you've probably guessed from the title of this post (unless you're not so quick on the uptake), I am not writing to praise mass transit.
While the MTA, NJ Transit, and LIRR offer a cheap, efficient alternative to driving (or risking your life in a yellow cab), there have been days when I've strongly contemplated throwing myself (or someone else) on to the tracks for any of the following reasons:
1. The Leaner(s)
New Yorkers have never been lauded for their patience. They honk their horns two seconds before the light actually turns green, they barely apply breaks when turning corners, and the concept of "pedestrians having the right of way" is completely lost. This unwillingness to wait is no more apparent than when there are delays due to train traffic. (WTF is train traffic anyway? Was the conductor guilty of rubbernecking to see a jack-knifed tractor-trailer? Didn't think so.)
On a staggeringly crowded platform, along comes Mr. Important. He's carrying a Financial Times (because he didn't get the memo that Wall Street jobs just aren't impressive anymore) and an overpriced leather brief case (that's probably empty). This man believes that it's absolutely imperative for him to barrel through a crowd of people (who have already been standing there for at least 10 minutes) to lean over the platform edge to check if a train is coming.
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind him (and everyone else guilty of being a leaner) that glaring down the tunnel, staring at your watch, and exhaling audibly will NOT make the uptown 6 arrive any faster, so back off.
2. The assault on my senses
There's nothing more disappointing than running down the stairs two at a time and barely squeezing through the closing doors of a train only to get punched in the face by a wave of heat. Un-airconditioned cars are beyond miserable. There is no amount of anti-perspirant on the market that can prevent one from sweating through their shirt. (Sexy, I know.)
To make matters worse, it is almost inevitable that this steaming hot subway car will be occupied by a homeless person, several people with sub par hygiene, or that guy with an egg sandwich. It's times like this that breathing through your mouth actually makes the odor palpable and suppressing the urge to vomit seems near impossible. I've never been so thankful for the "fresh" air on the platform.
3. The Musically ChallengedGeneration I-pod is likely to be hard of hearing by age 50. (This is a completely fabricated statistic, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were true... I'd even go so far as to say that a long term investment in MiracleEar would prove very lucrative). The volume at which people listen to their music is damaging to both their ear canals and my morning commute. I guess all I can do is be grateful that boomboxes are a fad of the past.
Additional not-so-soothing subway sounds include the percussionist who uses the seat in front of him as a snare drum and the baby who is bothered by god-knows-what but proceeds to wail at the top of their lungs anyway.
4. The Pole Dancer
While I appreciate the fact that no one wants to be the jackass who stumbles 4 feet forward when the train comes to a halt, anchoring yourself to the pole with an arm and a leg securely wrapped around it is unnecessary, annoying, and gross. One hand should be quite sufficient for keeping your balance.
5. The Escalators... ... are most likely down for repair. (Especially the one at 53rd and Lex which is probably the longest distance to ground level in all of NYC). Not that I mind a little physical activity, but breaking a sweat before my morning coffee is not the way I want to start my day. I also do not miss the individuals who can't seem to grasp the "walk left, stand right" pattern. Is it really that difficult to go with the flow?
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