The Costume Conundrum

WARNING: The post you are about to read in no way supports or promotes the institution of Halloween. If you're hoping for last-minute costume suggestions, or a positive take on the holiday, this is the wrong blog.

As soon as I flip my calendar to the month of October, I feel a premature anxiety regarding the 31st. At the risk of sounding like the Scrooge of Halloween, I hate just about everything about this holiday. Not knowing what to wear or where to go is stressful enough on a regular Saturday night. Add a holiday that requires advanced planning for an outfit and I'm just about ready to draw the blinds and curl into bed until November arrives.

Inevitably, I will go out.

I'll also very likely be too drunk to recall the majority of the evening so it won't make a damn bit of difference what slutty costume I've reluctantly decided to wear.

Even looking back on my childhood, Halloween was never one of the holidays that I looked forward to. More accurately, I dreaded it then just as much as I do today. (Perhaps I was a bit high-strung for a 7 year old, but still.)

I can vividly recall the stress I felt when my teacher announced that we could wear our costumes to school. Showing up to my classroom hoping that my costume was just as great as everyone elses may have been the first panic attack I've ever had. (Seriously, I cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath.) It's hard to determine which costumes were worse: the store bought angel wings/halo that 3 other girls would be wearing, or the home-made bunny that most kids probably wouldn't understand. The pictures that were taken haunt me to this day.

You're probably thing, jeez, what is wrong with this chick?! What kind of child doesn't like free candy from neighbors?? To that I answer, "don't even get me started on trick-or-treating. "

Does anyone else remember all those warnings about the crazy bastards who might give you poisoned candy?! How your parents implored you not to eat anything until you got home and they inspected your loot?? I was completely paranoid that the next KitKat I consumed could be my last....

As I grew up, not much changed. I donned myself in pretty princess outfits, a little red riding hood cape, a rather uncreative witch (if only for the wig), and the like. I coerced my little sister into trading me her snickers bars for my caramel chews from the old lady down the block. We perfected our own little barter system where candy was cash and I always got my way. (This of course changed when she learned how to stand up for herself, but that's a whole different story.)

Then, around the same age I discovered Santa wasn't real, I scoffed at the the costumes of my youth to join the "cool crowd" who did everything they could to define Halloween as a "night of mayhem." (ya know, the typcal ring and run stunt, shaving cream wars, and egging bypassing cars). All that was required for a costume was crazy face glitter, hot pink hair spray, and an outfit that you would discard at the end of the night while your mother picked egg shells out of your hair. Oh the memories.

Later in highschool, all throughout college, and to this very day, Halloween took on a whole new meaning. The pressure mounted year after year to find a costume that encompassed the perfect balance of cute (but not childish), sexy (but not trashy), funny (but not clown funny), and creative (but not confusing). Are you kidding me?!

AND, there was another whole set of criteria if you foolishly decided to dress in some sort of couple/group ensemble.... Will people get it? Will I look ridiculous if I'm by myself? Oy vey!

So I took it upon myself to browse the inventory in one of the many, many Ricky's that has popped up in NYC, only to find that every single female costume available (for no less than $50) is the exact same style just with different colors.

Is that Dorothy? Or Little Red? Or a Beer Maid?

Oh, right. It's all of the above.

Apparently all you really need for a successful costume is a tight corset, a short skirt, and some thigh highs.

Spoiler Alert: Next year I'll be creating a nun version of this get-up to be both hideously inappropriate and equally as awesome.

Happy Halloween!!