Cute Without the E

If you haven't already read my Dear Facebook post, I suggest that you do. If you have, consider this my post script.

I spent the better half of this morning defriending (a verb that I can only hope never makes it into any English language dictionary) people from my facebook account. While the process was more liberating than stressful, there were still plenty of factors I took into consideration before confirming that I was "sure I wanted to remove Jane Doe."

In case your New Years resolution is to trim some friend-fat, you might find the following guidelines useful. Here's how I arrived at my conclusion to cut 70+ people from my Facebook team.

YOU'VE BEEN REMOVED FROM MY FRIEND LIST IF...

1. you have no picture (and I can't figure out who you are without it). Or worse, your picture is of your pet or your child.

2. we weren't friends in high school, but fell victim to facebook's "suggestion" that we become electronically connected. (Sure we were both members of Key Club, but sadly, that's where our relationship ends.)

3. I only requested (or accepted) your friendship because I was hooking up with one of your friends. (Sorry, but I only saw your facebook page as an alternative stalking avenue.)

4. we met at a bar, you were overzealous with your Facebook for Blackberry application, and we haven't exchanged any communication since. (Not even a poke!)

5. you've recently changed your status to engaged (and I didn't even know you were in a relationship).

<-- you so obviously got a manicure in order to pose with, and post pictures of your ring. (tacky)

6. you change your status more often than I change my underwear. Moreover, you're gone if your status is:

a) a stupid inside joke that only 1 of your lame friends "like."
b) grammatically incorrect/misspelled.
c) annoying enough to make me want to take a hammer to my computer screen.

7. your name is not saved in my cell phone contacts or my g-chat buddy list.

8. your display name is either hyphenated after marriage or you've done the ridiculous first name-middle name bullshit so people can't find you. (You're not hiding from the FBI, people. If you're so concerned about your privacy, deactivate your account!)