If I Were a Boy

Every so often I imagine how much easier life would be if I were a dude. (I most often have these thoughts when I'm suffering from excruciating menstrual cramps or imagining the agony of childbirth.) To that end, I thought it'd be blog worthy to enlist the help of my friends and compile a list of the many, many reasons we wish we had been born with a different set of genes.

Disclaimer: Men will not enjoy anything about this rant.

The ability to pee standing up: Road trips can be an absolute nightmare. Try to find a semi-clean bathroom with toilet paper at a rest stop on 95 South and you'll be shit out of luck (pun intended.) And quite honestly, I'd rather risk permanent kidney damage than lock myself in a port-0-potty. (Especially at Preakness' running of the urinals.)

Double-fucking-Standards: Entire sociology texts have been dedicated to this subject so I'll just summarize: He's a stud, I'm a slut. That sounds fair, doesn't it?

Dating (or more accurately the lack thereof): Most women see dating as " a pre-arranged meeting with the possibility for love," whereas guys are thinking, "Gee, I hope I don't have to break the bank to get laid tonight." Well, this lose-lose situation is why I'm not alone in still waiting for my Lloyd Dobler.*

*I may or may not have just recently watched Say Anything...twice.

Not to mention the complete opposite perspectives men and women have on relationships and being the extra wheel.

Wardrobe woes:
- Bras are hands-down the most uncomfortable thing in the world. (Second only to tits themselves.)

- Men will never have to sit in a meeting and wonder the entire time if a button came undone exposing their cleavage.

- Men will never have straps or underwires actually leave marks or rashes on their skin.

- Men will never have to worry about spending hundreds of dollars at Victoria's Secret (because annual sale or not, that place is absurdly overpriced.)

- Choosing an outfit for a night out can be more stressful for us than Obama trying to solve this whole recession pickle. (I'm only being half sarcastic). If chicks wear the wrong shoes (wedges instead of heels, sneakers instead of flops) their entire outfit is ruined...and they're attracting the attention of every judgmental bitch in the city, who are not so subtly thinking "she wore THAT?! HERE!?"

- The possibility of multiple venues for the evening is enough to induce an anxiety attack. There is no realistic way to convert a BBQ outfit to a club outfit unless you're too drunk to actually care what anyone thinks. Meanwhile, a guy simply has to fumble through their closet for their cleanest dirty shirt and their best smelling jeans.

A list of things that need no elaboration:

the make-up application process

hairstyles gone bad

control top pantyhose

thongs

UTI's

tampons

corporate glass ceilings

sexual harassment

pregnancy/childbirth

bloating

high heels

shaving/waxing/threading

All that said, the absolute worst thing about being a woman...

is having to deal with men.